.: reach out :.

doodle from sahabat. thanks for caring. you made me smile :-) smile ('',) smile :-D (ouch, my cheek hurts!) ;-P.

.: starvation = salvation :.

I skipped dinner last night. I skipped breakfast today...
Is it really worth it?

Sometimes I forget how happy and put together I was...
What happened to the happy child, whom now always in constant pain, constant doubting and self-loathing?
Slowly destroying myself, shutting off from the world around me.

Take a look around...
Think again, is it really worth it?

Swallow hard and let it go. Don’t choke on it.

.: raise the bar :.

I can’t cope; I’ve lost all hope.

Tried standing tiptoed to no avail; you fly high and left no trail.

Leaps and bounds will eventually wear out; please let down the rope and do help me out.

It’s a pity you’re stuck with stupid; It’s a shame if you can’t even lead.

.: you had me at hello :.

How is it the person you love the most in the world can drive you the craziest! I tell him no one else would be crazy enough to put up with him, but as much as I hate to admit it, the same is probably true for me.

I love you. I laugh with you. I fight with you. I make up with you. it is a never ending cycle.

As Meredith has it; Communication--it's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Crazy enough, in pursuit of better communication and most importantly feel understood by others, I have stumbled upon Law of Connection. Things you’ll do to express/expect affection, gratitude and most importantly, appreciation.

Why bother? Because i’m crazily in love with you…there, i’ve said it. It wasn’t that hard isn’t it?

.: where is the love :.

an extract of versions of 'love is...' from beautiful souls. sadly enough, i couldn't even utter mine. i guess i have metamorphosed myself into someone i barely recognize....

.: slow dancing in a burning room :.

" ...you were the one i tried to draw...you're the only light i ever saw..." -JM

don't you think we should learned somehow? don't you think we should revive the moment? i really think we should...

.: broken wings :.

The little girl travelled up the mountain as Heidi, following her wandering mind.

She got lost in the moment, feeling needy. Will there ever be blessing in disguise?

Afternoon sun shone hot in her face, for there were no trees to offer her shade.

With broken wings she tried to fly high, to find rainbow of happiness in the sky.

She hopes with happiness, there can be a kind of amnesia to sadness.

A long winded path, a little smirk of hope from a downtown.

On top of the world, it’s getting thirsty. She wailed the unheard, the zephyr responded uncanny.

Will she ever witness such beauty again? Will there ever be a happy ending?

She maybe despaired for her future not there, not knowing what was to come.

“Anak sekecil itu berkelahi dengan waktu. Demi satu impian yang kerap ganggu tidurmu…."(by: Iwan Fals)

- inspired by the beauty of Broga Hill -

.: fallen angel :.

Just like an angel, you would normally perceived,
complex life yet simple in her needs…

Being selfless, desire to care for others,
is she strong enough to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders?

You are vulnerable and sensitive,

she would give herself, even when there’s nothing left to give….

She would want to sympathize more than she could even offer,

yet she broke her wings, and falter; does it even matter?

Does she even deserve the hailing of heroes?
When she couldn’t even deal with her own sorrows…

Under the devil’s gaze, her morals gone astray,
fooling herself, this righteous games she plays…

Just like a fallen angel; she is, holding on to her pain,

she used to believe in happiness, now sunshine watered by rain…

.: the waiting game :.

i feel like you’re desensitised..
you took me for granted, you thought i would compromise…

i may be in delusion, but i’m breaking the rules of the game..
frankly my dear, i think this would just be a shame...

tell me; who am i? try looking at me in the eyes...
just a little bit more space, i get it. for you and i...

.: emoticons :.

Sometimes, i just wonder, how is it like if you were going through menopause? Does it make you feel helpless, not in control and always teary eyed? Does it make you feel you are not worth an extra day? Will it be the ticket to hell? How can they hold it together? How can a woman go about daily living though they feel they are in a window showing the nakedness and how nothing is quite right?

This batch of crazy emotions. Roller coaster ride. This fight. You need to overcome.

It’s a pity sometimes when hormonal ordeals are usually left untold.

Have you ever had such rare emotions before; you feel like bawling it out, however held back due to fear of insignificance resulting to nuisance?

Have you ever felt you have locked yourself in a curse; from which you cannot break free from?
Misery and discontent bound to shadow; to the point where your heart can’t speak the words unspoken.

Love lost? Abused? Hopeless? Suicidal? Confused?

Maybe because you have forgotten what it’s like to live.
Maybe it slipped your mind that love finds a path amidst a field of pain.
Life only lives in between these breaths of death.
This fragile moment; need to be forgotten, need to be forgiven.

Find the ray of light, peeking through. As the good side is there, obtainable still.

Find the senses that you can indulge…

Sight – delight your eyes, travel the world, or simply read to explore imaginations
Sound – Feast on the modulation and resonance of the harmonizing tunes that calms you down
Touch – Express yourself. Write. Hold hands. Two beautiful motions that create sensations
Taste – Appetite gratification. Eat, Pray, Love.
Smell – Nurture your olfactory nerves with the fragrance of nature; astounding bliss

Do not forget. Why you are here. Let the crazy emotions laid to rest…

.: blink of an eye :.

it takes the eye to blink or the heart to beat to see why life matters.

who would have known, the hours lost in your moment. is the most precious time of your life.

blink once, blink twice….

the dimming light obnubilates the sight of your loved ones flashed before you,

love unflinchingly, all out and head first,

you know it’s time to let go…

…

cut on her skin, drawing blood, beauty marred by a terrible wrong.

for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to tear. she knows, it’s for her own good…

in her sleep, she’s dancing as she fights,

numb; she couldn’t feel it, when the knife thrust inside.

she was reaching out for the balloon in the sky. the balloon; her dreams, almost swept away…

waking up to the sound of holler. it hurts, more than anything else; as it was accompanied by the sense of loss and bitterness…

though life leaking out of her, as she vomits the venom; every second passes, with supreme loving care, she felt strangely alive…

barely awake, she pushes herself. just to get a glimpse of pure delight in someone else’s face…

it’s them. who have made it possible. who sat every hour, every minute. praying. bracing against the wind of chance.

…

as days go by…

some were hospitalized and recovered; Clinton for instance.

some were hospitalized and gone forever; Allahyarham Ahmad Sharby—ina lillah, my prayers for the soul R.I.P.

some, simply redha; standing on her toes, leaning forward, and keep on fighting.

Alhamdulillah. you know you can never thank anyone enough.

…

Alhamdulillah. my recently improved health is a credit to your prayers and attentiveness.

Thank you for everything and God bless your kind soul.

.: numb :.

"though i know it didn't exist, the monster i'm afraid the most was often on my mind. it paralyzes me, turning into stones. most of us had a certain something that really scared us. A 'something' we had to defend ourselves against in secret ways..."

.: living together with this planet :.

seeing…a glimpse of life..just like the vision of flying birds
sharing… the breath of fresh air..just as the plants and trees do
living…together with this planet…mother earth and you…

carmen and jose may be seen as a struggle of opposites…
but love connects…yet tragic happens-as shakespeare puts it; "loved not wisely but too well"
tho one can never attain the happy ending one may dream of…
it’s the ironic twist; where we belong to each other..and we can never forget..

just like mother earth and you...
to preserve the beauty of life…for the sake of future generations…
together, we seek to live in harmony, because we really do care…

let’s start with me and you…

.: rescue me, not :.

It was raining stones. Heavy as the weather, we put our hands together and pray.

Pray that this hatred feelings would go away.

In my crutches, am on the verge of recovery.

Did I take the wrong step? You can hear my voice crack, I have been picking back up over such tragedy.

This fall hurts so much, I could never be the same.

Oh, what a shame.

.: taking small steps :.

My buzz word of the year. Nothing to sneeze at, but i hope to start it SMALL; where a little bit may goes a long way. Who knows, it might make a BIG difference afterall…

Thanks to my ‘coping mechanisms’; All these years, i am able to convey my “dirty little secrets” scribbled, doodled and visualized abusively; just to keep me sane via:

My long-time bf; or u may call it a blog: http://suckerlurve.blog.friendster.com/ (R.I.P)

Confessions of a blabbermouth via fb: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=app_2347471856&ref=profile&id=1177021754 (C.P.R)

Beautiful Mess:
http://dblotdotink.blogspot.com/ (C.P.R)
http://suckerlurve.blog.friendster.com/beautiful-mess/ (R.I.P)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/suckerlurve/ (R.I.P)

* R.I.P – officially resting in peace ; C.P.R-barely breathing. gotta pump it up!

Well of course, death is not the end; as the spirit shall never dies; just reincarnated: http://suckerlurve.blogspot.com/

To a new beginning…*cheers!* ;-)

p/s: this is just the beginning. and will be updated from time to time. life is not about the destination...the reward is in the journey.

thanx,b. for the inspiration.

.: 2010: tie up loose ends. or find yourself in knots :.

With the start of a new year, we usually get inundated with new resolutions; somewhat optimistic, hoping that it would not eventually crash and burn.

Who knew where this would go? It could have just stalled as many other resolutions I have before this. Or would this be bigger than me; as things may start fall into place, when least expected?

Looking through the cracked crystal ball, I may only see dimly, the challenges lie ahead. Should I turn back and create an altered reality? Which could only means; different situation with new set of challenges. Or simply embrace and at times maneuver the path; by taking small steps in unlocking the mystery of life.

Of course, life may be muddled, but i have inhaled my share of flowery, colourful and heart shaped endevour. I started off my last year’s resolution with reaching out and ironically, finishing it off with a suicidal note on keeping my head under water and letting myself drown. Then, there was an ultimate silence—a time for reflection.

Come 2010, this is my rebound. I’ve finally decided NOT to have “NEW” new year’s resolutions afterall.

So while i wouldn’t break out the champagne for a toast just yet, literally; i do believe there is an avenue for optimism despite all the doom and gloom.

With all the might that i have in materializing this unfinished business of mine; as McCoy puts it; it’s time to turn our lives around.

Hoping to do better than that; Behold, My New Year Resolution 2009— revived!

Wish upon a star, may our dreams for 2010 and beyond come true… *cheers* :-)